


Never Again

by CookiesAndKatanas



Category: The Yogscast
Genre: Dysphoria
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-07
Updated: 2015-02-07
Packaged: 2018-03-11 00:28:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 917
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3308903
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CookiesAndKatanas/pseuds/CookiesAndKatanas
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>ok so forgive me my self indulgence,  but imagine trans will</p><p>(quick headcanon/drabble about Will and his worries about how Kirin sees him)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Never Again

**Author's Note:**

> content warning for dysphoria and panic attacks

Will grew up in the countryside. Growing up in the countryside with subpar magical education, no type of gender awareness, he’s stifled in every way, its _suffocating._ When he finally gets the wheels turning for moving to the city its like a breath of fresh air. He can finally get away from everyone who knows him as something, as someone he isn't. He’s been on hormones for two years and his voice got deeper than he ever expected but people still don't treat him like him. He moves to the city for his magic but goddamn if starting over isn't the best side effect ever.

He still puts up his walls though, aloof and prideful and tough and take no shit, because he’s never going to be be soft and malleable and feminine again, never, he never wants to be seen like that again, he never wants to be like that.

So when Kirin starts breaking down those walls and his natural curiosity and drive and enthusiasm start showing so obviously he's worried. He’s worried Kirin’s reading him as something he’s not. His carefully manufactured smile is replaced by a too-open too-bright grin around Kirin, and its too honest and makes his face look too round and he hates how fucking important it is to him that Kirin is really seeing him.

The closer they get though, Will’s sure that Kirin really is seeing him, the real him, and its wonderful. The feeling of safe and comfort and home he gets around Kirin increases tenfold. It was there before, of course, but when he realized it, it spooked him so bad, made him tense and on edge and he wanted to push it away, but that safe space around Kirin is intoxicating, he couldn’t stay away for more than a week, and oh god did he try.

But once he accepts it, when he comes to terms with it, its the best feeling in the world, its like the freefall when he loses himself in the city but without the fear, without the insistence of _I can't keep this forever_. Instead all his carefully constructed facades are down and for the first time its okay.Even when their relationship starts getting physical, Will is okay with it. Sort of.

Their first gentle kiss was something he’d been quietly wanting for a while. It just seemed like the natural extension of their relationship. They’d played proximity games for months- well, Kirin did. He’d put a hand on Will’s shoulder when he reached for an overhead cupboard, lean in close to point out a plant and explain its properties.

When Kirin was teaching Will about channeling and concentrating energy in himself, he’d trace broad palms up Will’s ~~too soft~~ arms, to his ~~too narrow~~ shoulders, but when he started to bring them down to his chest Will just- static buzzed in his ears and he faintly heard a pop of a lightbulb and when he became conscious of himself again, a split second later, he was standing, his hands in front of him ready to push him away again(had he pushed Kirin’s hands away, had he actually pushed the one person who had given him so much?), three feet away from where Kirin still sat, and his face colored and he stammered out that he’d had enough for today, he wasn’t feeling well, he was going to go to the bathroom.

He didn’t realize he was backing away as he spoke until he turned to ~~nearly run~~ walk out of the greenhouse and upstairs to Kirin’s living area. Kirin’s face stuck in his mind, the quick glances he’d gotten as his eyes had darted around as he stuttered out his ~~pathetic~~ excuses, and it was easy to misconstrue the worry and concern and understanding there to pity, and it made him sick to his stomach.

He nearly slammed the door to the bathroom as he stumbled in, threw the lock and kept his head down as he gripped the edges of the sink until his ~~slender, delicate~~ fingers were sore, he couldn’t catch his reflection right now, the gentleness of his jaw, the delicate line of his brow, the fullness of his lips, if he saw any of it he was sure he’d start to heave. It took ten minutes for his breathing to even out, but as he started to think about leaving this small safety bubble, as he thought about even trying to move, his breathing hitched again and he was back to square one. It took him another ten minutes and two more false starts to actually leave the bathroom and walk back down to the shop.

Kirin was behind the counter, frowning at his laptop as he plugged in numbers to a spreadsheet. There were two mugs in front of him, one nearly empty and one clearly for Will. He settled in the stool across the counter, and as he pulled the mug closer he warmed it back up a bit. Kirin looked up at the faint trace of magic and smiled at him. He asked if Will would come around and figure out why excel wasn't computing the numbers correctly, it had been doing this for days. Will gave him a small, ~~shaky~~ smile, and he walked around the counter, a teasing comment on his lips, realization in the back of his mind solidifying slowly. From then on, he knew as long as he was at Kirin’s side, everything would turn out okay.

**Author's Note:**

> finally got around to cross-posting from my tumblr, cookiesandkatanas
> 
> original post here: cookiesandkatanas.tumblr.com/post/107541013274/ok-so-forgive-me-my-self-indulgence-but-imagine


End file.
